Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Making the Most of March

If you're reading this and you're in the office and unable to watch March Madness on Demand then you need to act quickly.

ESPN has a top 10 ways to get off of work. Some I don't agree with...but here's a few I'll highlight.

1. "Want to join the office pool?" Get your boss to put a few bucks into the office tournament pool. Once she has given you the money, tell her that if she doesn't give you Thursday and Friday off, you're going to report her to the corporate office for being an accomplice in an illegal gambling operation run out of the office under her watch.

2. "I am going to work from home." Many companies now allow their employees to work from home a few days a month. Take advantage of this perk on Thursday and Friday. But even though you will be watching nonstop basketball, assure your boss you will get just as much accomplished at home as you would in the office. And feel good knowing that's not even a lie.

3. "I'm sick." True pros will start foreshadowing a fake sickness a good week before the tournament kicks off by dropping hints with co-workers about feeling an illness coming on. Short of that, you'll have to prove you really are sick if you want anyone to believe you. Try this: Come to work Thursday morning and immediately guzzle a gallon of milk. Then vomit it back out all over your boss's desk. You'll be home in time for the noon tip-off with your credibility intact.

4. "I have a two-day, off-site meeting with an important client." And in a way you do. It's simple, really -- just find a contact at another company who needs his own alibi for Thursday and Friday. You tell your boss you're meeting with him; he tells his boss he's meeting with you. It's a flawless plan. You can even try to expense your pizza delivery costs.

5. "I got shot/stabbed/beaten/grenaded/etc." Explain that you were merely minding your own business at the mall Wednesday night when Pacman Jones happened to come by and, before you knew it, you were down in a pool of your own blood. This is a great excuse because it's sports-related but also because it is very believable. In fact, only the flu is responsible for more lost work hours each year in the United States than Pacman Jones-related injuries.

My Personal Ways to Get the Most out of the NCAA Tournament:
1. Fill out a bracket- This will make you intensely follow every game and you will go through more high's and low's than any other weekend of the year.
2. Pick a Cinderella team- If they lose, find another Cinderella team to root for.
3. Root against the Big Boys- Be as passionate about your team winning (GO HOOSIERS) as you are against the favorites such as Florida, a team I despise with a passion.
4. Overreact to everything- It seems ridiculous, but it's fun.
5. Prepare yourself- Watching 12 straight hours of basketball two days in a row, followed by 2 more days of 8 hours of basketball can be challenging. Prepare several days in advance by getting extra sleep and exercise. If you get tired during the middle of a game, call friends to talk about the games that already ended. Make sure you have your energy drinks, protein shakes, and a good wife that will make you food so you don't have to leave the room
6. Tivo/DVR- Have to go to the bathroom? Wife wanting to go out? Want to replay an incredible play or terrible call? This solves all your problems.
7. March Madness on Demand- If you haven't signed up for this, you may be to late.
8. Celebrate that there's no Dick Vitale!- CBS has full rights to the NCAA tournament, so you only hear Dukie Vitale if you switch over to ESPN for so called "analysis" by my least favorite sports caster ever.
9. Forget that there's no Erin Andrews- This is especially important for single males. If you are a male that's single and watches sports, you know who Erin Andrews is.
10. Ignore Billy Packer- He knows not what he speaks, he "played" for Wake Forest decades ago and much similar to Dick Vitale, he is an ACC homer. By ignoring Packer you can enjoy Bill Raftery's opening game statement "And they go..MAN TO MAN."
11. GET FIRED UP! - If you feel yourself loosing the passion, just make sure that every five minutes you get really worked up about a certain call and continue to talk about that bad call until the end of the game, noting that the NCAA must be behind this and that they have already predetermined the outcome of the entire tournament. Discuss other possible conspiracies at the same time, such as was Babe Ruth black, who shot JFK, is that ref a Nazi, why Bobby Knight really got fired, why they no longer make good cartoons like they did when I was young (Duck Tales, TaleSpin, Garfield and Friends, Darkwing Duck, TMNT, to name a few) and so forth.
12. Wait for the Madness- It's the NCAA tournament, something crazy will happen. Just wait for it!!!


Jason said...

I am single, and I do know who Erin Andrews is.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but I love this blog. I can't stand Duke Vitale or Billy Packer.

Anonymous said...

March Madness on Demand is perfect; I am a big fan of the "boss button!" I'm going to have to switch to CBS Sportsline in the mornings.